Non-verbal FU: a definition

This was originally written on June 25, 2006 on my crappy MySpace blog:

Do you know what needs to stop? The non-verbal FU. (i.e. I want to break up with you, but I don't want to tell you, so I just stop calling you). Boys, this is not an effective way to make dating easier for yourselves. You are just creating damaged, scary women. Or you are making women who are already damaged and scary MORE damaged and scary. This is not fair to us, or any boys who might try to date us in the future.

Had a conversation with a damaged, scary pal of mine this evening in which she said, "You know, all the terrible relationships we've been in have taught us the lessons we need to learn so that when we find our best relationship, we'll be prepared. But the lessons we've learned have left us so damaged, we're too fucked up to have normal, loving relationships."

I buy this wholeheartedly. It is a serious effort for me to look past bad relationship experiences every time I meet a new boy, and not transfer all my negative emotions about dudes who have messed with my mind onto ones I barely know. You know, benefit of the doubt and all that shizzy.

Because I don't want to be that bitter girl.

But then, every relationship I embark on, no matter how casual, ends with some of these shennanigans. Whether they be someone who seems normal turning CRAZY or giving me the non-verbal FU, or cheating on me, or just treating me like crap.

So how CAN I ever allow myself to drift into a "normal, heatlhy" relationship, or even the semblance of one, when I can't relax - when I can't trust, because I am seriously just waiting for that other shoe to drop. The oh,-you-are-an-asshole-after-all shoe. Because at this point I do believe that all men have this shoe somewhere in their wardrobe. It's just a question of when they choose to wear it.

Lord, I am than bitter girl. Guess I might as well embrace it.