I recently polled a bunch of hot young ladies in their 20-30 something years on what type of break-up communication would be least offensive to them. The poll came on the tail of a conversation with a friend of the male persuasion who had sent a break-up email to a woman after one date. He suffered great distress when I told him his break-up email was totally terrible and offensive. To investigate my claim, I sent out this poll:
So, you go on one date with a guy, and a few days later he sends you an email that basically says he doesn't want to go out again. Which reason would make you feel better? And would you prefer an email or a call?
1) I had a great time, but I met someone else and I want to focus on that right now.
2) I had a great time, but I felt more of a friend connection with you rather than a relationship connection.
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Here are the results:
67% of women preferred the call. 22% preferred email and said they wanted to avoid an awkward conversation. 11% had no preference.
It was a three way tie over which option was better.
33% said they were on the fence with the reasons, saying: either reason was acceptable, both were gross, or as long as it was the truth it didn't matter.
33% chose option 1, the "I met someone else" reason. However, two of these women also found the merit of option 2, the "we don't have a connection" reason. They reasoned that at first, option 2 sounded like a lie. Which is good. This means we all think of ourselves as very sexy, and good self-esteem is important!
33% chose option 2. They reasoned it sounded nicer, and was classier than admitting one was dating around.
Everyone added some editorial comments. Here are some of my favorites:
"Honestly, I am thinking I'd rather hear that they met someone else...I could be mad at him and the other woman, which would help me get over it faster."
"I can understand getting along with someone else more and respect him for saying so......But I'd also let him know I do not plan to be a back up so don't call for another date if that's his decision!"
"I appreciate honesty and being direct, but [option 1] is just simply poor taste.
Decency? Manners? All a thing of the past."
"I think either is acceptable.
PS - He's stupid."
"I would feel more comfortable if I got an email from him instead of a phone call. After you read the email you can write him back and say thanks for the input...have a great life!"
"Email is a pussy way to get out of any more dates."
"That guy is lame. He def should have called"
"guess if I felt kind of into the guy after the date, I'd appreciate a call. If I didn't give a shiz, I wouldn't care if it was email or not. In general I feel like a call shows much more respect. But I'm kind of a neo-ludite."
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Personally, I said that while the truth is the best policy, I would prefer the "no chemistry" to "I'm into someone else" because it would be better for my self-esteem. I could get over the fact that he just doesn't get how awesome I am more than the insinuation that he thinks someone else is BETTER than me (unless, of course, I thought he was a total dud anyways).
I also think there is something really icky about bringing up the fact that you are dating other people. If we're in a date situation, I want all focus on me, and I don't need to hear about your other escapades. It leaves me feeling covered in slime. There's a reason you want to date her over me (if she actually exists) like I live too far away, I don't share your political views, my laugh irritates you. Say that instead. At least I'll feel like I have a concrete reason.
And I always think the phone is the most adult way to do things. It shows you really care, you're not being a fraidy cat, and you really want to be able to hear the person's response. An email can be such a cop-out in that regard, because it's totally one way.
In the end, I think everyone has a very individual response to being let down, and while there are certain things you can do to make a bad situation better, there is no perfect answer to making a difficult conversation easy. My male friend said he had the best of intentions with his "no more dates for us" email, and reasoned it was better than nothing at all. I think we can all agree that's true!
And there is a happy end. The cast-off woman actually answered the email (so I was told) and seems like they're going to be pals, and maybe go out for coffee sometime. As friends. Who knew things could turn out so rosy? It gives me hope for the future.
