Vision Quest

SO I just started this web course for non-profit professionals about finding yourself and visioning your future and reaching new heights and stuff like that.

And one of our assignments is to try to create a vision for our future. The way we do this? By imagining our funeral.

I guess this is normal.

I'm supposed to think about what 4 people (a family member, a co-worker, a friend and a member of my community) would say about me.

So this is how I think it would go.

First my sister would get up and say something like, "I always thought my sister was a real putz, but she cracked me up, and she was nice to have around." Because my sister is not a really mushy person.

Then my boss would get up and say, "Jessica worked alot. I wish she was still around, because I have something I'd really like for her to do."

Then my scary, damaged friend would get up and say, "She liked to make up really funny song parodies. The time she sang "Wishin' and Hopin'" I almost peed myself. The lyrics were something like, 'hug him, and kiss him, and squeeze, and don't ask any questions, and when you do, you will be his. In a very emotionally unfulfilling way......"

Then the woman who lives downstairs from me would say, "She was a nice girl. Sometimes she left her porch light on for three days at a time, and she came home too late, but she always brought the trash barrels in."

Ok, so I know I am supposed to envision what I REALLY WANT people to say about me, but thinking about it like this...well, it just puts things in perspective. Mostly in the perspective that I need to spice up my life a little bit before I die, or no one will have anything interesting to say about me at my funeral.

Also, I Simpsonized myself. Here you go.

The 3 things men do...

So...there's a bit of a problem. The scary, damaged friend is dating a man who she met on match.com. So she comes home from a date and because I am assuming just wants to look at his sweet mug she gets online (I don't question the motives of my friends) and lo and behold, the man is on match.com!!!!

Now, is this a supreme insult to the lovely date these two have just shared, or is it more like; this dude is a pig, and he's already looking for his next share of slop (eww, that sounded gross, but seriously, isn't that what pigs go after?).

So, I postulated that men really only do three things: eat, jack off, and look at screens of different types (you know, computers, TVs, etc). So this poor guy was probably just bored and confused and didn't know what else to do.

To which my friend replied, Shouldn't men learn to multi-task? Then they could just set aside an hour, turn on the computer, go make a sandwich, grab a bottle of lotion, sit down and then:
check out a hot girl
take a bite of the turkey and the lettuce and the mayo and the mustard
crank it
crank it
crank it
and the turkey
next hot girl
crank it
turkey mayo
crank it crank it crank it
next hot girl
crank it
turkey
turkey
crank it

and on and on.

*sigh* I know there are sweet men out there. Why does one baddie always have to make us question the whole lot?

Women who snap

There's certainly a fascination with women who "snap." There's that show on Oxygen, and last month an O magazine article focusing on the diapered woman of the NASA love triangle.

And reading it got me to thinking - is this something that any woman, under enough stress, is capable of becoming? Or is it more like the Harry Potter theory? "We all have light and dark in us. It's the part we chose to act upon that makes us who we are."

There was an interesting assumption in the Oprah article. That being, women who snap tend to be overachievers - successful career women. Those women who approach snapping, and then don't (although I can only imagine they keep the stats to prove this along with the Dead Sea Scrolls and the Holy Grail) are usually mothers who reflect on how their kids need them. And that tends to get them out of the moment where they would kill someone or drive 900 miles in a diaper.

Being a single career gal myself, this kind of frightened me. I mean, I do have an obligation to water my plants and babysit my nephew, but is that supposed to be enough to keep me from snapping if I catch my BF cheating on me?

Then, in the midst of having these thoughts, I got really, really mad at Oprah magazine because this article, in it's blindered, small-view, tiny window on the world approach to feminism, has made me (smart, successful, funny, happy, awesome ME) question my ability to hold onto my sanity SIMPLY BECAUSE I AM NOT MARRIED WITH KIDS.

Dude, what is this? A century ago it was you can either be smart of have kids: the brain or womb conundrum. Now it's what...have kids or go insane? Of course, this assumes that every woman is going to get cheated on. Which won't happen. But still. I am mad.

Can there be any end to the vast and varied ways women, mothers, non-mothers and feminists are derailed in the public-eye? To have babies makes you a non-player in the working world - but to not have them might make you crazy, or less smart, or whatever.

All these (really terrible) options only seem to serve one purpose. To make all of us women feel even further out of control in terms of our lives, our bodies, our children, our careers, our families, our minds...all that. Leave my uterus out of it!

Non-verbal FU: a definition

This was originally written on June 25, 2006 on my crappy MySpace blog:

Do you know what needs to stop? The non-verbal FU. (i.e. I want to break up with you, but I don't want to tell you, so I just stop calling you). Boys, this is not an effective way to make dating easier for yourselves. You are just creating damaged, scary women. Or you are making women who are already damaged and scary MORE damaged and scary. This is not fair to us, or any boys who might try to date us in the future.

Had a conversation with a damaged, scary pal of mine this evening in which she said, "You know, all the terrible relationships we've been in have taught us the lessons we need to learn so that when we find our best relationship, we'll be prepared. But the lessons we've learned have left us so damaged, we're too fucked up to have normal, loving relationships."

I buy this wholeheartedly. It is a serious effort for me to look past bad relationship experiences every time I meet a new boy, and not transfer all my negative emotions about dudes who have messed with my mind onto ones I barely know. You know, benefit of the doubt and all that shizzy.

Because I don't want to be that bitter girl.

But then, every relationship I embark on, no matter how casual, ends with some of these shennanigans. Whether they be someone who seems normal turning CRAZY or giving me the non-verbal FU, or cheating on me, or just treating me like crap.

So how CAN I ever allow myself to drift into a "normal, heatlhy" relationship, or even the semblance of one, when I can't relax - when I can't trust, because I am seriously just waiting for that other shoe to drop. The oh,-you-are-an-asshole-after-all shoe. Because at this point I do believe that all men have this shoe somewhere in their wardrobe. It's just a question of when they choose to wear it.

Lord, I am than bitter girl. Guess I might as well embrace it.

Cruel and Unusual?

Here's a funny story: a man walks up to a prostitute, asks her for a date, finds out she's an undercover cop, and a few weeks later finds himself, per court order, dressed up like a chicken on the local news. Soon the story spreads nationwide and he's on Good Morning America, among others. Now look at this and realize it is not just a funny story.

Is this really legal? To punish people by making them do very strange, embarrassing, public punishments? Granted, being a former college residence hall director, I am of the school of "punishment should be educational, not punitive" and I've never liked the idea of prison. So, maybe it is a good idea, but is it cruel and unusual?

Then the idea struck me, wouldn't it be awesome if when men committed petty crimes against women we could institute some kind of system of public humiliation to which they had to submit? I'd be fair enough to say women would have to do this kind of thing, too.

Here's a few ideas:
1) When proven guilty of committing the non-verbal FU, a person must have 500 business cards printed reading: "I will probably stop calling you in a months time. I don't respect other people's feelings." and he must give one to the next 500 people s/he meets upon introducing him/herself.

2) When found guilty of insulting your partner's appearance, you must walk the streets wearing a t-shirt with a picture of either a) Jessica Alba or b) Johnny Depp reading, "I am not good looking enough to judge other people by their looks. I will never date this person."

3) Cheaters should be forced to eat blenderized fast-food meals mixed with slugs and beetles while being videtaped. In between each swallow they should say: "I am a dirty cheater." The resulting film should be posted on YouTube.

Other ideas? Drop 'em in the comments.

Desecrating the Bill and Ted's franchise

Here is some horribly disarming news. Last month, MGM announced that the third film in the Bill & Ted's franchise would begin production, but that Keanu would not be returning as his agent felt the move might kill his career.

Umm....what? This is horrible, horrible advice Keanu, and I hope you can hear me. While everyone loved Speed and the Matrix, you are where you are, and you have the reputation you have BECAUSE of Bill & Ted. Everyone loves Bill & Ted. Even my 9 year old nephew loves Bill & Ted. This is your bread and butter my friend. So: Eat. It. Up.

I am, at this point, ready to make the argument that no one will go see the movie without the original stars, but I am wondering if this movie will mirror the fate of Dumb & Dumberer (flop) or Starsky and Hutch (mild to moderate success). In any event, I will not see it. Not unless Keanu is there.

Boyfriends - now with 0g of Trans Fat!

If boyfriends were french fries and french fries were boyfriends, I'd be skinny and happy. Why? Because then my boyfriends would be long, lean, hot and silent. And my french fries would be inedible (and truly, I wouldn't want one anyway). This occured to me last night while I was eating a french fry at a pub with 3 of my fun friends.

Nerd Fighters

This guy is awesome. To see more check out this dude's website or the vlogbrothers channel on YouTube. Nerds are the best thing in the world. Ever.

Tummy rumble

Even though I did nothing out of the ordinary yesterday I wake up to a near inability to move - I am so tired! Coffee is not helping. In fact, it's just making me feel like I need to puke.

Does this happen to you regularly? I am wondering if it's nerves or fretting or general weirdness that cause my body to get distracted from what it needs to do. Whatever it is, it's annoying.

Here's something I've been thinking about, because my Dad set me on thinking about it. About a boy I had met and liked he asked, snidely as only Dad can get away with, "SO how did he get to be 30, fabulous, and single?" Meaning, clearly, "there's something wrong with him. You just don't know it yet."

So you ask, "Why are the good ones all taken?" To this I reply, "Just because they're taken, doesn't mean they're good. " Not that some of the taken ones aren't good. I am sure they are. But I am sure most of them are huge imbeciles, too. I just don't know it, because I'm not married to them.

Closure

I have heard too many people whining about closure in my life. Even me maybe, at one point. And the question I want to ask is, "Who cares about closure really, and is closure ACTUALLY what we're looking for?"

I don't think it is. I think looking for closure is simply an admittance that what has in fact happened is not what we wanted to happen at all, and now we want someone to answer for it, and perhaps make it appear as if it didn't actually happen. Or we are waiting for some magician to unmake it happen. Or we just want to wake up from a dream like Dorothy and realize we've learned an important lesson, but all the people we love are still actually with us, among the living.

The sad truth is, closure of any kind, in any situation, cannot come from without. It can only come from your own, very personal realization that you are OK with what has happened, you are strong enough to deal with it, and that you don't need anyone else's presence/approval/collusion to go on with your life.

I know it might sound insensitive, but you don't need to have the "last word" to deal with a break-up, you don't need revenge to deal with a slight, and you certianly don't need retalliation to deal with a wrongful death. Those types of things will only further a misunderstanding which will lead to more unnecessary hurts. Don't you remember the reason why Romeo and Juliet died? A feud between the Capulets and the Montagues. One that was so old no one really knew what the heck it was about.

So my message today, to myself and anyone else who might care: the only closure you need is the closure you give yourself when you say, "It is OK to close this chapter on my life and move on. It is okay for other people to remain hurt and angry if that's what they need, and it is okay for my plans to change. There is more happiness for me, and if I can't move past this experience, I will never get there."

I know the person I want most to read this probably never will, so I'll just send it as a wish to him.

Numbah One

I have been blogging on MySpace since January of 2006. I decided that MySpace was a rotten forum and decided to move here. I will start blogging afresh and posting some of my MySpace greatest hits on here as the mood strikes.

My favorite topics:
1) Stuff I did recently
2) Dating and relationships
3) Making fun of stuff
4) Pointing out cool things

I can also talk about:
1) Office politics
2) How working in non-profit means you will never make a profit
3) Living very close to where your parents live.
4) Travel

If you haven't noticed, I like lists. Let me present you with a brief history of me. I am a woman. I grew up in Massachusetts, went to school in W. Ma, and got a grad degree in NYC. I love media, and now fundraise for a non-profit. One of the cool things about this is I work at home about 75% of the time.

I've been working with youth is some capacity or other since 2001. Ways include: teaching video production, nannying, volunteer reading, managing a freshman residence hall, helping to run a youth center.

I am totally single, never been married, no kids, no baby Daddy drama, and I have a wonderful sense of humor about the fact that although I am awesome, I never seem to be able to keep a boyfriend for very long.

I have a nephew who is the center of my universe, and I would do anything for him. He's 9.

I love to write, but I have found that I enjoy writing short commentaries more than long term projects, so I might never be a novelist. My sense of grammar is mostly improvisational, but I do like to spell.

I am a reading fiend, and I really like Oprah and her show and her magazine, and any other type of media she produces.

I like to work out, but no team sports, and nothing too typical. Yoga, belly dancing, and a little kick boxing are my faves.

I get sick all the time, so I frequent the doctor's office. I cook real good. I can talk for hours.

I like commentary, so don't be afraid to tell me when I am being a loser.