From the mouth of J Dubs

From the mouth of J Dubs: Co-sign my letter to Ben & Jerry

2011-10-08T16:13:00.000-04:00

From the mouth of J Dubs: Co-sign my letter to Ben & Jerry

Co-sign my letter to Ben & Jerry

2011-10-08T16:11:00.001-04:00

Friends - spurred by the Ms. Blog post re: Ben and Jerry's, and my reaction to it, I wrote this letter, which I will devilver to Ben and Jerry next week. If you'd like your name to appear as a co-signer, please comment!

Dear Ben and Jerry,

I am writing this note to you from a place of deep love and respect for your work, your mission, and your product. I am one of many women who love social justice, equality, and delicious ice cream. My soul has been comforted by the words of Adrienne Rich, the life of Martin Luther King, Jr., the comedy of Gilda Radner, the music of Nina Simone, and the taste of Chubby Hubby.

So I write this not because I am angry at you, but because I love what you do, and I want to continue to love it as part of the rich, complex, diverse web of things that I love and want to stand up for.

Most likely, this letter has already been brought to your attention, but if it hasn’t, please let me bring it to your attention: http://msmagazine.com/blog/blog/2011/09/30/an-open-letter-to-ben-and-jerry/

Like the writer I was shocked, and then dismayed to realize that she was right: that your tributes have all but ignored the contributions of women, people of color, GLBT people, young people, and anyone not a native English speaker.

You have done amazing things in terms of honoring great music, great comedy, Doonesbury, and free trade. All things I deeply love and respect as well. But I am sure you well know that free trade is not about protecting white male capitalist Americans. Free trade is about spreading the wealth, being fair, and making sure that people who work hard to make top notch products are not taken advantage of just because of where they were born, or the color of their skin. I know you believe in these things just as I do, and so I am asking you from the bottom of my heart to let us know how much you care.

The only way that things will change in our world in terms of fairness and equality is if all of us – writers, businesspeople, and ice cream tycoons alike – get on board with recognizing and honoring contributions made across all cross-sections of the population and making it more than just ok, but NORMAL, that the folks we have to admire, look up to and revere are as diverse as possible. You are culture makers – you are a force! You can be the ones who step up and make a difference in this area. Your flavor honorees can and should be as diverse as your flavors!

I eagerly await the public response to this open letter. I’ve gotten some private messages from your company on Twitter about a response, but I want that response to go public. This is, after all, a very public discussion. Millions of your very loyal customers (we all know women LOVE ice cream) are waiting to hear where you stand on this issue that is very near and dear to us, and more importantly effects our lives and the lives of our children and the people in our communities.

Don’t let me down!

Jessica Wilson

Non-profit fundraiser, activist, and ice cream eater for over 30 years

Lowell, MA

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LOST, The End, and Everything

2010-05-24T10:22:00.005-04:00

After watching last night's finale, I can't say I've been moved to write an interpretation of film (because that's really what Lost was...a series of really well done short films) since college. When I was forced to.

I think the finale rightly put us, as viewers, in an interesting place. When LOST began, we got hooked on the characters. I remember I came late to the LOST party, and caught an episode on repeat while I was falling asleep in an airport hotel. It was one of the early episodes about Sun and Jin and I was totally fascinated by the facade of their relationship, their secrets, their obvious love for each other and confusion on how to reconcile it with their inability to trust each other or themselves. It was, in a word, AMAZING. So then I had to watch the rest.

What kept me watching years into it was the crazy X-files stuff they threw in there. There was a new mystery every week, and each new turn always brought out new secrets, fun facts, and statements of personality about the characters which made me love them even more.

Finally, in the end, even though it was confusing, it all started to make sense to me (admittedly, these are my personal interpretations, but they seemed to click for me).

So maybe we never knew the origin of The Others, but do we really ever allow ourselves to see into the hearts of our perceived enemies? How else could they remain "other" - an entity that we could fight and harm without remorse?

They were framed as the people who didn't "get it." But really, they were lost, shipwrecked people, just like every other person on the island. They were the parents of Jacob and the Man in Black - the island's Adam. But they wanted to stake their claim, they thought they were "the good guys" and they were never able to be at peace - with themselves, with Jacob, with the Dharma initiative, or with any of the islands visitors. They just kicked the crap out of everyone they happened along. Because they were attempting to protect something (the Temple) at whatever cost. And they automatically believed that anyone who wasn't one of them must be bad. Sound familiar yet?

And it seemed pretty right that a confused and unhappy man (The Man in Black) who was obsessed with the one thing he couldn't have would come face to face with the most perfect representation of life and peace and hope (you know...that weird tunnel with the light) and "turn into a monster" for lack of understanding. And he wasn't just a self-contained monster...oh no. He was the kind of monster that wasn't happy until he made everyone around him just as miserable as he was.

And any time someone came face to face with it, it seemed as if they were literally facing their demons. Remember when Mr. Eko saw all the scenes from his life in the monster? Or how the monster, when he was in human form, new everyone's business? He was totally your worst nightmare.

Jacob's mother? Well, everyone and everything has a mother...that's what they said. The island had to have one. The Virgin Mary was just a girl in a small town when she was chosen. She became a mother in a way that was fairly inexplicable to most of the people around her. Granted, she didn't kill anyone, but this Island brings out the worst in people. So I think she was kind of the Anti-Virgin.

And that light? I mean, sure it was totally cheesy and silly looking, but I can't imagine that a man-made visual representation of "the energy force that sustains everything" would be very believable. When Desmond pulled out the plug and proclaimed it "some kind of drain" and the island started falling apart, I couldn't help but think of The Never Ending Story, and the Nothing, and the boy's task to remake the world of imagination from one grain of sand. "OF COURSE it isn't real!" I thought.

All that Egyptian stuff just seemed to be the symbol that yes, this is an eternal story. This is the struggle we have all had, as humans, since we first learned to stand upright, talk, make tools, innovate, and of course, hurt each other. We have always been creating things to help us obtain power over others, manipulate our circumstances, and take advantage of opportunities. Sometimes (often times) to our own detriment. In trying to win, people sometimes forget how to work together, and then end up, like Jacob said, "all alone."

Back at the church, the good Christian Shepherd told Jack, "everything was real and everything mattered and the most important part of your lives was when you were all together." Sounds like a sermon to me.

So, like the Losties, I sat there realizing the truth of it all. That sometimes the most complicated situations we can imagine are really there to teach us some of the simplest lessons. Because most of us won't listen to the simple stuff. We need all the bells, whistles, explosions, polar bears, crashed planes, complicated story lines and hot guys without shirts on to catch our attention.

To take one of TV's highest budget, craziest, most watched and most innovative shows and end it with a quiet sermon, in a non denominational church, panning a group of friendly, diverse faces, kissing and hugging, and speechless because of the depth of their love for one another may have seemed ridiculous, but it might have been one of the most revolutionary moves I've ever seen.

In the end it wasn't about special effects, or solved mysteries, or secrets or lies, or whatever. It was just about love. Which, in the end, it always is, isn't it?

growth

2009-11-04T00:24:00.003-05:00

The only man I know who behaves sensibly is my tailor; he takes my measurements anew each time he sees me. The rest go on with their old measurements and expect me to fit them. ~George Bernard Shaw

Ah, to be grateful for the person who can accept you as you are, even if that person is not who you were yesterday.

Thinking about change as I watched the numbers tick on the big screen at the Shamrock tonight, and another election day came and went, and another group of people made another set of decisions, and small pockets of human beings celebrated triumphs and lamented defeats, and made plans for the future. And something small shifted in a way that could mean huge shifts down the road.

And I am reminded of how the small shifts I make each day effect days, years and months I can't even imagine now.

And I am reminded of how grateful I am for those who will love me no matter what. And grateful for those whom I have met, who I love.

Thanks for an amazing day.

Fall vanity

2009-10-12T10:17:00.002-04:00

In the midst of home improvement projects and practically cutting my finger off with the Cling Wrap box, I decided to investigate how to make my hands prettier.

Fall colors for nails include metallics (I have), green (weird), vampire red (of course, Edward Cullen) and midnight blue (so you look dead).

Enjoy!

Commentary on my house buying.

2009-09-13T19:45:00.002-04:00

So today my friend told her 5 year old that I bought a house.

The five year old (remember, she's five) said, "Did she get a husband, too?"

My friend said, "No!" and laughed.

The five year old replied, "It's not funny other people have husbands." After a short pause she asked, "So, she's doing this all by herself?"

"Yes she is," said my friend.

"Hmmm..." mused the five year old, "I don't know about that."

If I were a dude I would have a harem

2009-08-30T23:07:00.002-04:00

I recently bought a house. By myself.

The other day, I had a lovely female friend over, and we were talking about the new home, furniture and fixtures I was planning to buy, the home improvement projects I had just successfully completed, and the paint colors I had chosen. I've been in the house for almost 3 weeks, and I am close to being finished setting it all up. Cosmetically anyways. The roof, that's another story.

In the midst of the tour, she turned to me, and casually said, "You know how Gloria Steinem said we're becoming the men we want to marry? Well, you're the man I want to marry."

As weird as this sounded, I believe it's one of the nicest things anyone's ever said to me. And ironic because I can't really remember anyone ever telling me that I was the woman they wanted to marry. Well, actually once, in college, when I told some guy how much I liked beer, and how I actually knew the difference between the different types of beers, he told me he wanted to marry me. But that's it.

Having been uncoupled for most of my adult life, I've had to figure out ways to do most of life's activities alone when I have to. Eating, sleeping, taking out the trash, moving furniture (except for the really heavy stuff), paying the bills, planning vacations. I've always wondered if being needier would have made me a more irresistible mate. But being needy is something I can't even fake.

Maybe knowing that I didn't need to be taken care of made me seem a little stand offish. Maybe not being needed, just being wanted, was hard for my former partners to take. Maybe I'm better off without them anyways.

But at the end of the day, the reason the comment made me smile was that I heard in it not only the permission but the insistence that I continue to be myself.

It was freeing to imagine that my independence, ability to work hard and take care of myself and those around me would actually be considered desirable qualities. Because I always thought they were.

Oh, the inanity

2008-12-15T21:24:00.002-05:00

So, I was just hanging around on Facebook....for HOURS...and was thinking about how boring it is. I am reading things like, "Timmy is thinking about beer," and "Sandra is putting on her jammies," and I am thinking about why it is infinitely interesting (or seems to be) to read about the inanity of other people's lives. I mean, some of them are my close friends, and so their lives are infinitely interesting to me. But why do I need to know what a marginal acquaintance is watching on TV on a Sunday afternoon?

Like really? I care that you're putting on your jammies? I mean, maybe this is what this online generation thing is all about. I am wondering if seeing the boringness of everyone else's life is giving us permission to be boring. Or is making everything seem boring because you can have 24 hour access to every move your friend makes, every beer they drink, every trip they take - provided they took pictures. Like world travel is on the same importance level as working on a spreadsheet on Tuesday morning in the realm of Facebook. Is that normal?

I wonder sometimes about the value of this limitless availability to people's personal lives - I mean jeez, I hope you're not reading this thinking it's actually interesting. I am in awe of the fact that people in Belgium and Vietnam have read my blog. How is this possible? How is what I say interesting to a person who lives on the other side of the world?

In one way it is really "it's a small world after all" and what have you. How we can all be so connected. And then I realize that I have no idea what the person sitting next to me on the bus is thinking. And she's RIGHT THERE. Oh, the irony.

Well, whatever. I think it's good that people know when I am asleep and awake, and using whitening strips, and reading Rolling Stone magazine, which is why I tell them via Facebook. It's good that they have something interesting to read about while their being bored out of their minds.

The best break-up and blow-off methods (an opinion poll)

2008-09-04T18:42:00.012-04:00

I recently polled a bunch of hot young ladies in their 20-30 something years on what type of break-up communication would be least offensive to them. The poll came on the tail of a conversation with a friend of the male persuasion who had sent a break-up email to a woman after one date. He suffered great distress when I told him his break-up email was totally terrible and offensive. To investigate my claim, I sent out this poll:

So, you go on one date with a guy, and a few days later he sends you an email that basically says he doesn't want to go out again. Which reason would make you feel better? And would you prefer an email or a call?

1) I had a great time, but I met someone else and I want to focus on that right now.

2) I had a great time, but I felt more of a friend connection with you rather than a relationship connection.

****
Here are the results:

67% of women preferred the call. 22% preferred email and said they wanted to avoid an awkward conversation. 11% had no preference.

It was a three way tie over which option was better.

33% said they were on the fence with the reasons, saying: either reason was acceptable, both were gross, or as long as it was the truth it didn't matter.

33% chose option 1, the "I met someone else" reason. However, two of these women also found the merit of option 2, the "we don't have a connection" reason. They reasoned that at first, option 2 sounded like a lie. Which is good. This means we all think of ourselves as very sexy, and good self-esteem is important!

33% chose option 2. They reasoned it sounded nicer, and was classier than admitting one was dating around.

Everyone added some editorial comments. Here are some of my favorites:

"Honestly, I am thinking I'd rather hear that they met someone else...I could be mad at him and the other woman, which would help me get over it faster."

"I can understand getting along with someone else more and respect him for saying so......But I'd also let him know I do not plan to be a back up so don't call for another date if that's his decision!"

"I appreciate honesty and being direct, but [option 1] is just simply poor taste.
Decency? Manners? All a thing of the past."

"I think either is acceptable.
PS - He's stupid."

"I would feel more comfortable if I got an email from him instead of a phone call. After you read the email you can write him back and say thanks for the input...have a great life!"

"Email is a pussy way to get out of any more dates."

"That guy is lame. He def should have called"

"guess if I felt kind of into the guy after the date, I'd appreciate a call. If I didn't give a shiz, I wouldn't care if it was email or not. In general I feel like a call shows much more respect. But I'm kind of a neo-ludite."

****

Personally, I said that while the truth is the best policy, I would prefer the "no chemistry" to "I'm into someone else" because it would be better for my self-esteem. I could get over the fact that he just doesn't get how awesome I am more than the insinuation that he thinks someone else is BETTER than me (unless, of course, I thought he was a total dud anyways).

I also think there is something really icky about bringing up the fact that you are dating other people. If we're in a date situation, I want all focus on me, and I don't need to hear about your other escapades. It leaves me feeling covered in slime. There's a reason you want to date her over me (if she actually exists) like I live too far away, I don't share your political views, my laugh irritates you. Say that instead. At least I'll feel like I have a concrete reason.

And I always think the phone is the most adult way to do things. It shows you really care, you're not being a fraidy cat, and you really want to be able to hear the person's response. An email can be such a cop-out in that regard, because it's totally one way.

In the end, I think everyone has a very individual response to being let down, and while there are certain things you can do to make a bad situation better, there is no perfect answer to making a difficult conversation easy. My male friend said he had the best of intentions with his "no more dates for us" email, and reasoned it was better than nothing at all. I think we can all agree that's true!

And there is a happy end. The cast-off woman actually answered the email (so I was told) and seems like they're going to be pals, and maybe go out for coffee sometime. As friends. Who knew things could turn out so rosy? It gives me hope for the future.

We're all gonna 'splode!

2008-08-12T13:58:00.003-04:00

So I just read this book, The Revenge of Gaia by James Lovelock. There was a pretty awesome article in Rolling Stone that piqued my interest and so I decided to read the whole thing.

Lovelock takes the stance of Bugs Bunny in this book. You know, when Bugs Bunny would finally lose Elmer Fudd at the end of the cartoon, and he would say, "So long screwy, see ya in St. Louis." Basically, when it comes to the environment, we're Screwy. And St. Louis is not such a good place to be. Much like Al Gore gave us a preview of a super heated planet a few years back in his anxiety inducing documentary, An Inconvenient Truth, Lovelock tells us about all the bad things we've done to bring about a climate crisis.

Only Lovelock's story does not have nearly as happy an ending as Gore's. According to Lovelock, it doesn't matter how much we recycle, ride our bikes, switch to solar power, or take canvas totes to the supermarket: it's just way too late. By 2040, our planet will have crazy severe weather to a degree we haven't yet experienced (tornadoes in Boston, Katrina style hurricanes are the norm), and by 2100, the Earth will be 90% uninhabitable, with areas like The North Pole being the only places still temperate enough to host human life. Or any life for that matter.

This idea - even if Lovelock is a total loony - scares the crap out of me. I mean really. And this guy has you know, degrees, and has devoted his life to science and climate study. I feel like his theory is probably based in some verifiable fact. Right?

So, if this is true, what does it mean. Personally, I have taken to saying quite often, "Why are you worried about this trivial bull? Didn't you know the world is going to end soon?" Of course, then I feel like Chicken Little, or Mel Gibson's character in Conspiracy Theory. You know, he was kind of right, but kind of paranoid schizophrenic?

Lovelock has some great ideas. Like immediately switching to nuclear power, and having us develop some kind of bio-engineered food and start planning to live in bio-domes. You know, when the apocalypse comes. In like 90 years.

The funny thing about these ideas being, the peace-nik types who are usually on the front lines of environmental issues, like members of the Sierra Club and Kyra Sedgewick, would never, ever, ever, not in a million years go for them. So, as in many instances in life, it appears that even though we desire the same outcomes, we have different agendas, and thus, we are at an impasse.

I personally am ready to start lobbying for nuclear power, mandatory black outs, demolishing of cars, and whatever else it takes. I mean COME ON! With the way modern medicine is leaning I could still be ALIVE in 90 years. I don't want to have to move to the Arctic Circle when I am 120 years young. With my children. And my grandchildren. And our pets. We probably won't all fit, and that would totally suck.

I don't really know what the solution to the problem might be. I know that this, like skunk overpopulation, the carbs vs. low-fat debate, or poor writing in the new 90210 series, is not a problem I can continue to ignore. I'm doing some research into this whole crazy nuclear energy business, installing the low wattage light bulbs, and shopping local. But I realize these things are mostly for me. I want to do something for you, too. That's why I'm telling you this. Because we're all in it together. And we've got to get past this impasse and make some progress. Or you, me, the kids and the pets, and Santa Claus will all be fighting for a square foot of space in the balmy New North Pole before this crazy party is over.

Marriage is like running a small, boring non-profit

2008-08-06T10:05:00.003-04:00

This morning, MSFAM sent me the below article:
Marry Him! by Lori Gottlieb.

Incredibly long but funny and interesting treatise on how single women should settle instead of holding out for Mr. Right. When I laughed out loud twice, my co-workers insisted I forward them whatever what helping me to procrastinate.

I guess being a 30-something single, this kind of stuff really gets my dander up. I don't need someone to tell me to settle. And I really don't need anyone to tell me I'm being picky...we've already talked about the men I've dated. I don't think I'm that picky. And personally, I think my mother or best friends would have murdered me due to pity had I settled for one of the self-absorbed, criminally insane, drug addled Mama's boys of days past.

I can't say I don't believe in settling. For the better part of a year my new dating philosophy resembles the author's "marriage is a boring non-profit" stance. Like, I'm not looking for passion. I'm looking for someone who, despite his treacherous mother and inability to put dirty clothes in a hamper, would still be worth hugging and cooking dinner for. Someone that I could be pissed at but still be pleased to be spending my life with. That sounds like settling to me. I just try not to think of it as settling.

The author makes a lovely point, though, and one I've thought about alot. "The man of your dreams doesn't exist. Precisely because you dreamed him up." By this logic every married woman has settled. Right?

I think I have a pretty "settling minded" brain when it comes to marriage. I remember a married friend telling me a story about how her husband is so good because he cleans the floor. She then went on to verbally lambaste him for not doing alot of other stuff to help with their house and baby, to which I replied, "Dude, you love him AND HE CLEANS THE FLOOR!"

Compared to some other husband stories I've heard, that seemed pretty awesome to me. Plus, no one cleans my floor but me. I'd let any stupid, ugly guy hang out at my house at least for a few days if he promised to clean the floor. Never mind love, honor and obey.

The thing that really bothered me about this article though was that it seemed so black and white in terms of age and the need to settle. Like Ms. Gottlieb really believed she would have had better chances finding a less horrible guy in her younger years that she does now as a 30-something single mom. She describes the older men who her older single friends took up with, as:
"a recovering alcoholic who doesn’t always go to his meetings; a trying-to-make-it-in-his-40s actor; a widower who has three nightmarish kids and who’s still actively grieving for his dead wife; and a socially awkward engineer (so socially awkward that he declined to attend his wife’s book party)."

To which I respond: these men were young and single once, and on the market. Someone even married that one with the nightmarish kids...and then she divorced him. Marriage and settling isn't a permanent state of coma/limbo/eternal predictability. You can get married or settle or whatever you want to call it at any age. The reality is the person you settle for is a HUMAN BEING. They grow, change, make mistakes, do stupid things, and will, inevitably, disappoint you. The young ones eventually turn into the old ones. With the problems described above. And us being adults, we should be able to accept that that's part of the deal.

What Liz seems to fail to see is that the story doesn't stop after marriage. It's not a fairy tale. Lots of things happen during "and they live happily ever after." Like adjustable rate mortgages and crushes on people who aren't your spouse and nasty in-laws and kids with colds, and disagreements on where to take the family vacation. And all those things, along with the good things, made it into the qualifier "happy." Happy is a state of mind.

But the whole article just seemed so fixated on marriage as some kind of end goal over which there is so much competition with her married friends. Relax, Liz Gottlieb. You seem like a complainer anyways. If you got married you'd just complain about that, too.

Puzzle pieces

2008-06-27T00:33:00.003-04:00

Fitting in has always been a major preoccupation of mine.

When I was a kid, I was never sure if I fit in. As a teenager, I distinctly remember not wanting to fit in, and doing everything in my immediate power to stand out as much as possible.

As I got older, I wanted to fit into a certain size dress which was an increasingly impossible task. And then in my late 20's, I wanted desperately to fit with a guy and the desperation led me to desperate attractions to all the wrong men.

Lately though I have realized that as a puzzle piece, there must be some magnetic property that leads you exactly to where you need to be, if you just let it.

I have this amazing group of friends that I have known forever. We don't need to talk every day, but when we do...it just fits.

I have another sister from another mister. We met through such a convoluted set of circumstances, but I know we were meant to be besties because no one's sense of humor makes sense with mine quite as much as hers does.

And sometimes I think I am lucky enough to find myself in a crowded room full of strangers and magically, the one character that my character can get along with manifests itself, and I have an amazing time.

And sometimes I can get past myself enough to forget the room is full of strangers and immediately every face is friendly, every glance is welcome, and every hand is open.

I have become determined to be myself, and in so doing, have learned that fitting in should never be a struggle. I was made to fit into this world just as I am, and I am delighted to know that no one could fit into my place quite like I can.

Breaking up in any language...

2008-06-25T22:01:00.002-04:00

So you know how in cheesy sitcoms all the boys seem to think it's awesome to date the foreign exchange student who's really hot but doesn't happen to speak any English?

Well, I got to fulfill the fantasy, briefly, with a young, beautiful dude from Brazil. He was amazingly sweet despite the fact that communicating with him was nearly impossible. I met him at a dance club, and it took me about 30 minutes before I realized he wasn't super drunk - he just wasn't speaking English. Literally.

Anyways, it came to a point where I couldn't handle being in the absence of adult conversation and decided I would tell him, with the help of Babel Fish, that I couldn't see him anymore because we didn't understand each other, and that was just no good.

I thought a really cut and dry translation would work well, and that would be the end of that.

But even though the words were a little off, and the accent a little jumbled, it doesn't matter, really, what words you use to tell someone goodbye. Guilt, rejection, sadness...they translated better than anything either of us every tried to say to one another. I regret making someone so sad. He probably has so many questions he can't figure out how to ask. And I have better explanations I don't know how to give. But all I know is he was incredibly upset, and I felt like a jerk, and it didn't matter if I was polite and tried my best to say it right. I don't think I needed to say anything at all.

It just sucks.

Mood stabilizers for Denise Richards

2008-06-02T23:38:00.003-04:00

Denise Richards used the C word on her new show. I don't know about you, but I kind of feel like if you want to "clear the air" by showing the world you are really a nice person, who is good to her friends and not a husband stealer, the least you can do is not use the C-word on TV, and maybe come up with a better defense than "how does someone steal someone else's husband really?"

Not buyin' it, Denise. Not buyin' it.

PowerPoint - scourge of the Devil

2008-04-11T16:16:00.000-04:00

So yesterday I went to a day long showcase where eight groups gave 10 minute PowerPoint presentations on their programs. They were lovely people, and their programs were also lovely. I would be so bold as to say their programs were inspiring.

What was sad was that even at 10 minutes, their presentations seemed so long I felt like I had aged 10 years by the time I got out of that auditorium.

I think it's such a sad thing when you work so hard to promote a program you feel so strongly about, and when other people see it in action, they absolutely love it, and then you do a professional type presentation on it and ...zzzzzzzz. Suddenly the coolest thing in the world just became excruciatingly boring.

Max Atkinson, author of Lend Me Your Ears did some creative calculating on how much PowerPoint is costing the British Economy. Taking the exchange rate, population, and pay scale into consideration, here's how his math applies to the US:

If there are 44,501,000 folks with college degrees earning an average of $50,000 a year in the US, and each one of those folks sits through one hour of PowerPoint presentations once a week, and 90% of those are totally boring, and no one gets a thing out of them, then the US is wasting over $49.9 billion dollars a year on boring PowerPoints. And that's not counting the time people spend researching, preparing the slides, and practicing their presentations.

No wonder we're in a recession.

In Treatment

2008-02-28T00:25:00.002-05:00

Ooooh! HBO's In Treatment is so good. I know I am writing about this about a month or two after all the magazines told you it was the show to watch on HBO. But whatever. I have On Demand. And I'm too busy to watch things before they become cool.

Anyway, this show, which is a real time conversation between therapist and those in treatment, stars, among others, a wicked old Gabriel Byrne, an amazingly hot Blair Underwood, and an a very squinty and poorly dressed Dianne Wiest.

The whole concept is pretty cool, especially for someone like me who's never been to a therapist but likes to pretend she's one every now and again.

Gabriel Byrne is a very sad and messed up therapist. He's in a loveless marriage, he's exhausted, and he's lost his passion for his work. For some reason I could watch him play this character endlessly. He's by far the most interesting character on the show because you get to see him be both self-absorbed and completely absorbed by the others.

Laura is his first patient of the week and is a total sex addict and commitment-phobe. She makes me angry because she's the show's only single, professional woman, and she has to be so totally messed up. The deviant version of Sex and the City. She shows why it's clearly NOT ok to always be on the prowl like Samantha -- because it makes you kind of a sociopath.

Alex, played by Blair Underwood, is fine to look at, but he annoys me more than any of the characters. I think it's because he most closely resembles the man I date over and over and over again. Well, he's totally narcissistic, slightly OCD, and so detached from his emotions it's laughable. And he's a veteran. So, yeah, at least a good half of my ex-boyfriends.

Then there's the teenage gymnast who makes you never want to have children, and the married couple who makes you never want to get married.

And finally, squinty Dianne Wiest, who seriously puts Gabriel Byrne in his place at the end of every week (she's *his* therapist). She's an inspiration the way she whips this guy's mental ass. I have been contemplating a Master's degree in psychology just so I can tell a guy he's being a jabrone and get paid for it. OK, I know that's not really a selfless motivation, but whatever.

This show is so awesome. TV time is such a luxury, and I have already had to carve out too much time from my busy schedule to watch this show, but I absolutely love watching how these different personalities react to Gabriel's probing questions. It's so amazing to me how what's so clear to everyone on the outside is often so hard to handle when you're confronted with it from someone else's perspective.

Emotional baggage and damage is a consistent theme in my writing, so I am glad there's a whole show to trumpet the cause. Go watch it. It will either fascinate you, or put you to sleep. And we all need more sleep, so either way it's a win.

Yoga and perspective

2008-02-13T14:49:00.008-05:00

I first off wanted to brag about my stellar performance at yoga class last night. I did two moves successfully that I have never, ever, ever been able to do before:
The crow and the bird of paradise. I've added pictures below, so you can marvel at my talents.

I was absolutely psyched because I've never been able to do the crow without face planting, and last night as I was crouching down, at the part where I usually get all nervous and think about how much it's going to hurt when I fall on my face, I instead said to myself, "I'm going to do this. And it's gonna be awesome." And I totally did. The bird one was a little crazier. I saw myself doing it in the mirror, freaked out because it looks totally unnatural, and fell over after about 1 breath. But I got there, and that's the first step.

So, that's the good news.

Today, on the eve of Valentine's Day, possibly the most evil plot perpetrated on single women in America today, I got to chatting with MSFAM about relationships. She's in one, and like most of us, has been in some previous baddies, leaving her with trust issues.

We were talking about how there are things that girls naturally do better than boys. And believe me, I could fill a few pages with this one, but I'll just focus on what we were talking about: remembering things significant to the relationship in great detail.

Men usually find this psychotic. They just don't understand that most of us are simply programmed this way. And we got to the "maybe he just doesn't understand women..." part of the conversation, and I said this:

"Well, no man does, really. They especially don't understand the ones they're in a romantic relationship with. The closer you are to people, the less you understand them because the more you rely on them, the more you only see their actions in terms of your needs."

A grand generalization, yes, I know. I'm almost being unfair. I should bow down and hail all those relationships where the communications skills are equal, perfect, fair and objective. There really are so many examples. Like....um...right.

But really. I know I've caught myself at this with men in the past. Ex.: I assume he's mad at me, so everything he does or says indicates that he is mad (whether or not it's the case) which then effects how I react (because I think he's mad, so I'm sheepish or defensive or nasty) and then, we both really get mad. For no reason.

Or when you are in a relationship giving advice to the other (solicited or unsolicited) but for some reason, when it's coming from you, rather than a third party not intimately involved, it's somehow a loaded gun instead of friendly advice.

I don't think all this is a given. I think miscommunication just becomes alot easier when your back and forth is mediated by email, text messages, third parties, *blogs*, and phone calls that come at really inopportune times so instead of being the main attraction they become distractions. And of course you have to acknowledge that certain sense of self-centeredness and defensiveness that comes from being in a bunch of failed relationships - that doesn't help much either.

I think open and honest communication is certainly attainable, and a great goal to have. I just worry sometimes that too much emotional damage, and too many channels of communication and interpretations thereof create more obstacle than enhancement. Which is why I do the crow and the bird of paradise. It grounds me, so that when someone communicates with me, I can take it for what it is. Or what I interpret what it is to be.

Jeez.

Never mind.

Selfish.

2008-02-10T09:31:00.000-05:00

I read this on my friend Tyrone's away message. Sometimes it's worth it to K.I.S.S. (keep it simple, sister). When we spend too much time whining, moaning, complaining and wondering why certain people are so nasty, so mean, give us the non-verbal FU. They're just selfish. And you'd do better not to have them in your life. Read on.

Question: Why are people nice when they want or need something from you and afterward they are jerks?

Answer: Because it is all about them and no one else. This is called 'selfish'. They will do anything to get what they want, as long as it is not hurting them. If you stop giving to them, then they will stop doing that, but then they will likely not come around much anymore. These people are not friends and it is better if they do not come around. Unfortunately this happens to all people at some point in their lives. And there are so awful many of that type of people in the world today. They always want something for nothing. The only way to stop it is to stop giving them what they want.

BINGO!

2008-02-04T16:25:00.000-05:00

Awhile back, My Sister From Another Mister (MSFAM) told me about this fun game you can play with your ex's. It's called "Whatever-was-a-consistent-and-slightly-troubling-theme-in-your-past-
relationships BINGO!" Basically, it's a way to count how many relationships have gone sour with guys exhibiting some similar trait. It's fun, and totally unique to your own, sad dating situation.

We told some 21 year old about it and she was like, "Why would you do that?"

"Because, you young, naive thing," I said, "it gives meaning and levity to all your failed relationships."

I don't think this is a new game; MSFAM just put a name to it.

In college I knew a girl who played Boys from Many Lands BINGO. She tapped all the exchange students (the Russian was my favorite because of the way he said "Cheese Nips"), and anyone who was a naturalized citizen. She fell in love with some local guy for a while and stopped playing, but all in all, she did pretty well.

I know plenty of gals out there who've played Musician BINGO, Fine Arts BINGO, Celebrity BINGO. It's never ending.

Totally by accident, MSFAM played Differently Abled BINGO. She got three. With the free spot, she's one away from a win.

Me on the other hand...my BINGO card is full. I started playing Mental Illness BINGO in college, and I'll tell you, I just won the coverall. I've decided it's time I stopped playing.

I don't think mental illness is funny, or anything to laugh about. In fact, I never even really noticed the pattern. Until recently. When it dawned on me, I have dated men with the following:

1) Depression
2) Generalized Anxiety
3) Compulsive Lying
4) Seasonal Affective Disorder
5) Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
6) Addictions of various kinds
7) Mood Disorder
8) Bipolar
9) Social Anxiety
10) Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
11) Panic Disorder

And though I don't have confirmation, I'd be willing to bet there was a narcissistic personality disorder, body dysmorphic disorder, certainly an undiagnosed binge eating disorder, and separation anxiety.

Believe you me, I don't find this hysterical, and I'm certainly not one to make fun of folks who are facing these kinds of challenges. I've been a witness to far to much of the sadness, secrecy, and heartbreak (usually mine) that comes from mental illness, so I definitely take it seriously.

The thing is, when I say in that silly and sarcastic way of mine, "Men are crazy," am I signaling to the Universe that I want all these dudes sent my way?

I'm trying to figure out what this is supposed to signal for me as I move forward. Am I supposed to follow the inevitable path and become a psychiatrist? Or perhaps avoid dating altogether and sign up for the convent? Or is it that I myself have several dozen undiagnosed mental illnesses and should therefore get my a$$ to the therapist and start hashing some stuff out?

I'm still trying to figure it out. But I just wanted you all to know, I'm retiring my BINGO card. I've won some great prizes, but I've lost a little more than I've gained, and I have spent far too long in the smoky, depressing, poorly lit church hall playing this particular round. It's time to move on.

Things I know for sure...

2008-01-15T23:32:00.000-05:00

As you may know, Oprah is one of my idols. Inspired by the Queen of afternoon talk TV (and Queen of several other things) here are the things JDubs knows for sure.

1) Don't buy scratch tickets when you are feeling lucky. This is a stupid thing to waste your money on, because lucky people don't win the lottery. People who spend too much money on the lottery and old people win the lottery. That's all.

2) Almost everyone in local government is a mumbler. These people resent their audience almost as much as Kurt Cobain did. I don't really know why, but they do.

3) Karma never forgets you. She may turn her back for a while, but seriously, she's got a mind like a trap.

4) When all else fails, watch a bunch of 10 year olds play laser tag. It's the funniest thing going.

5) I will never be as desperate as the women on reality TV dating shows.

6) When it comes to catastrophe, I think women have the better deal. We tend and befriend. Which means from tragedy we create friendship, help, and better our surroundings. Men have that fight or flight thing: they get violent or disappear. This isn't news. It's just nice to have scientific proof that men are genetically inferior. I don't hold it against them - still love them - just glad to know I win on yet another level.

7) Nothing is more satisfying than sending an intense email.

8) Bananas are the most perfect food, but banana flavor is disgusting.

9) There should be more stand-up comedians in office.

10) When you learn to trust yourself, life becomes about a million times easier.

2007-12-22T15:17:00.001-05:00

A holiday wish for everyone I love...I hope you make time to laugh this holiday. There's nothing I want for Christmas besides the opportunity to relax and see smiling faces of people I love. I think that's the best you can hope for at Christmas, and I hope you get it!

Start laughing now: It is better to give than to receive. Which is why I regift all those things I get that I don't really want.

Lots of ha ha's, hee hee's, lol's and chuckles (the clown).

Mountains...

2007-12-13T21:17:00.000-05:00

We live in a world of excess. Of this I am sure. I feel this way because as of late there is too much of EVERYTHING, and I mean everything, and there is no chance in heck of a scale back anytime soon. The reason I say this is because I feel the excess of things has gone beyond my control.

Once upon a time I believed I had control - I was very young then.

People keep giving me things, requiring things of me, and generating new things that I must have. This is not fair because I am now in a situation where I don't have the luxury of walking away from "the way things are." I have way too much debt and responsibility.

When I am at work, there is WAY too much work to do. So much that I can't imagine a time when anything will ever be done. Finishing a project gives me absolutely no satisfaction, because my to do list still has 30+ items on it. And that's just deadlines for tomorrow.

When I am at home, there is too much to do. Too many emails to answer, too much cleaning, too much laundry, too many unpaid bills and unwashed dishes and unfiled papers and untended projects.

When I am at the grocery store there are too many choices, and far too many children with too many snots dripping out of too many nostrils.

There are too many super germs, and too much fear of catching them.

There are too many people I love wanting too many hours of my time. This one really kills me because I hate saying no, and I hate not doing something I want to do, but sometimes you CAN have too much of a good thing.

I have too many phone numbers. Three to be exact. This is ridiculous, because it's very hard for me to tell people how to get in touch with me.

I have too many email addresses (4), too many online "friend" accounts (5+), too many magazine subscriptions (5) and too many books (3 bookcases full). I also have too many CDs, but I am not counting them.

Today it snowed way more than it should ever snow.

These mountains of things, ideas, tasks, and obligations are growing at a rate that puts plate tectonics to shame. And they frighten me. But what do I do? Stop buying books? Quit my job?

As my favorite video blogger said recently about the excess of Xmas, "I like everything about Christmas that was thought up before the year 1800. That said, if everyone felt the way I did there would be a world wide recession and our economy would collapse." He says this in a snide sarcastic tone that I hope you can hear when you read this, and realize that I am not actually having a nervous breakdown.

I'm just wondering why I'm not.

My theory is all these "little things" we are being encouraged to do to cut back on consumption like buy hybrid cars, screw in whirly-gig lightbulbs and stop buying bottled water is a bunch of crap. If the world's gonna explode, it's gonna explode. It doesn't matter what kind of lightbulb you're sitting under while you drink filtered tap water and read "101 ways to save your ass."

And the majority of humans I know feel terribly overwhelmed with all this responsibility to use recyclable tampons and stop buying paper towels -- or else all the penguins will die!

What we need is an environmental dictator who will take away our cars, our lattes in disposable cups, and our electricity privileges. Then we'll be forced to slow down, stop polluting, and stop shopping at Wal-Fart.

And then I can spend as much time as I want with as many people as I love without feeling guilty about all those stupid things I "have" to do. (And our economy will collapse! ha).

The irony of Christmas

2007-12-12T21:18:00.000-05:00

So, if I take it back to it's roots, past the Santa and the tree and "It's a Wonderful Life" and all that, Christmas is really about the birth of Jesus who, according to the story, died so that we may live w/o original sin.

In less fanatical language, he sacrificed himself so others could have a better life. A noble pursuit for any man, right? And darn nice of him.

So, why on Earth are we celebrating Christmas by creating so much waste? We're really blowing the deal here.

According to the US Dept. of Transportation, long distance travel goes up about 1/4 at the holidays.

Over 20 million Christmas trees are cut down every year.

There aren't many statistics about trash out there, but in the UK alone they toss about 8,000 tons of paper and 125,000 tons of plastic following Christmas. And they recycle way more than we do!

Over $2 billion is spent on tech products alone on the day after Thanksgiving.

All I have to say is --- GROSS!

Dude, Jesus was a poverty stricken baby born in a barn. His fancy Christmas presents included incense. Is it a little corrupt that we celebrate his birth by increasing carbon emissions, filling landfills and buying iPods?

And the market's proposed solutions to the problems we've created? Spend more money!

Check out the Terra Pass, a fun pass that allows you to be as decadent as you want in terms of energy use, and then correct the effects of your carbon emissions for less than $30.

Or you can go to Network for Good and get people gift cards to give to their favorite charitable organizations. Well, it's better than giving the thoughtless gift of candles, I guess.

I know when I was a kid it was all about presents, sledding, and a week off from school.

These days Christmas equals "the busy season" at work, huge credit card bills, weight gain, stress, an extremely stretched social calendar, and a bunch of odds and ends I now have to make room for in my already crowded house. I'm not sure what got lost in translation over the years, but I seriously want to move to Whoville where Christmas is all about roasted beast and singing that weird "Dahoo-Dorays" song in the center of town. I don't need any junk (as proven by the Grinch). All I need is some friends, some food, and a blessed day off. Oh, and a little bit of recognition of the fact that the decadent celebration of this holiday will soon kill us all.

Thank you.

Praise Jesus.

Amen.

Vanity

2007-10-30T23:50:00.000-04:00

Lately, I have found myself in a pickle or two, and been totally disgruntled about having to deal with life's little obstacles. And I keep finding myself muttering, "I'm too pretty for this."

It cracks me up a little, and then I move on.

But really, I am cute. Should my good looks get me the free pass I feel I deserve?

I mean, it seems to work for some people. Tall blondes don't have to wait in line at really exclusive clubs. Paris Hilton didn't have to do that much jail time even though she was guilty. Brittany Spears can open an internationally televised awards show without having much talent left. Tila Tequila can make a room full of men and women fight over her on the daily. Seems like everyone loves a pretty girl, and that entitles them to be as nasty and careless as they want.

Then I thought about my little muttering. And I heard the air of entitlement in it. And I hated it about as much as I hate J.Lo's new perfume. Thank goodness no one ever let me get away with being a creep simply because I have blue eyes, big knockers, and a pretty smile.

Besides, I wouldn't let myself take the easy road when I know I can work for the things I really want...I'm too smart for that ;) ha ha ha ha ha.

Thrilled

2007-10-26T00:22:00.000-04:00

I am so proud of the Red Sox. Did I mention that if they win the World Series, the couch I am currently sitting on will be free? Yeah, my roomie bought it during the Red Sox promotion at Jordan's Furniture. So cool!

Lets have a beer and sing Tessie together.

QOTD 10/23/07

2007-10-23T16:19:00.000-04:00

"You write intense emails. You're an intense emailer. That's what you do!" - my co-worker, Aaron Chalek, after reading two very intense emails I have sent to men who deserved a little tongue lashing.

Lessons from the professor with pancreatic cancer

2007-10-22T16:56:00.000-04:00

I saw a guy named Randy Pausch on Oprah today. He was pretty amazing. He was a professor at Canegie Mellon, an inventor of amazing virtual technology, and he could do push-ups and clap in between.

He's dying of pancreatic cancer, and has been told he only has months to live. But he's in great shape and has an amazing attitude, and advice for life. Below is the original one hour lecture. The Oprah version was only about 8 minutes or so.

Anyways, this guy was amazing. He's the kind of guy who makes you feel guilty for complaining without making you feel like a total loser. There's a part of him that believes a miracle can happen - and that he can live. I love him for that.

At the end of the show, Randy was imparting quick snippets of advice for his kids at the end of Oprah, and the dating advice he had for his daughter is GOOD STUFF.

He said, "Ignore everything boys say to you, and pay attention to what they do." I think if I had known this, I would have made a lot fewer dating mistakes.

Take for instance the man who said he thought I was great, beautiful, and couldn't wait to see me again. That he "liked me instinctively" as if our being together was the incontrovertible result of evolution. Yeah, well, every time we crossed the street together he jumped on the side of me opposite the traffic. He wanted me to die first. I should have known that one wouldn't end well.

Or how about the guy who asked me to marry him...and then showed up as my "date" to a friend's wedding late and high. If only I had realized this meant he had no regard for marriage. Or me.

And what about the dude who said he wanted to be with me forever. I assumed "unconditionally" was part of that promise. And then he got upset with me for being sick and cranky and decided not to call me for three days, despite my 3 worried voicemails and 2 text messages. Apparently there is an expiration date on forever.

And lets not forget they guy who told me he was in love with me, and told me he didn't want me to date anyone else. I thought he was romantic. But, when I got a new job and suddenly became twice as busy, he assumed I was lying and that my job couldn't possibly be that hard, so I must be cheating on him. He wasn't romantic. He was possessive and paranoid.

Randy, you've given me a new lease on life. You've made me realize my life is only as good as I make it, my power only as finite as I believe it to be, and that my intuition truly is my best guide. Every time I feel like complaining, I'm going to try to remember you, and shut up and work harder instead.

And next time I go on a date with a guy, I'm not gonna listen to one single sweet nothing he tries to whisper in my ear. Because "nothing" truly is the best word for those meaningless things men try to tell you to butter you up. I'll remember actions speak louder than words.

THANK YOU! You're awesome and I wish you much health and happiness.

The dark side of fundraising

2007-10-21T22:27:00.001-04:00

Again with the magazine articles that drive me crazy.

There are so many wonderful websites out there where you can make informed decisions about making charitable gifts. You can become a microfinancier at kiva.org, you can give of your money or your time at the Network for Good or you can buy your Christmas presents and give a little to charity at the same time at igive. You can even go over to my organization's website and help provide amazing empowerment opportunities for youth in Lowell through your PayPal account.

In fact, I would encourage you to go do any of those things right now. Any one that makes you feel good. Any one that you think makes a clear, measured improvement on society in some way. Which is what a donation or gift is supposed to do.

I am more than pumped about foundations, giving, and fundraising for worthy causes.

Which is why www.myfreeimplants.com really pissed me off.

I read about this site in ELLE magazine (really, my favorite fashion mag) about a month ago. This site is sort of the match.com for poor women who want bigger breasts, and the men who would like to fulfill some really strange knight in shining armor fantasy by paying for them. A woman can start an account, and tell her sob story about why she can't live without Double Ds or whatever. A man can open his own account, and chat with as many ladies as he wants for $1.20 per email. The majority of the fee goes into an escrow account for the female. She in essence needs to hustle, keep mens interest and make them keep emailing her so she can earn her "goal amount." She can also do photos and videos (naked or not) for extra bucks from these fellas.

All the money in the woman's account is tallied by the site, and then given directly to her plastic surgeon of choice. She never actually sees a cent of the money she "earned." When she gets the implants, she gets to tell her "success story" to her many donors.

This is so messed up in so many ways I can't begin to count them.

What bothers me so much is that our society is so hell bent on the perfection of women's bodies (apparently big breasts = perfection....I, one of the "lucky" well-endowed, have some very different views on this) that poor women will hustle not to put food on the tables, but to attain the body of their dreams, with the assumption that this will make her life better. This seems very similar to the internal argument of the yo-yo dieter, and those with body dismorphia. That thought that, "I can have everything I want when I finally lose weight."

And men are somehow so taken with the idea of building the "perfect woman" that they're willing to empty their pockets to indulge in the fantasy of doing so for a woman they have little to no chance of ever meeting, seeing, or touching.

With all that non-profits go through to raise the cash to make the world a better place, it just burns me that someone has created a system where the haves can give to the have-nots for the sole purpose of adding fake body parts to women.

I guess, if I am being fair, I should take a step back and say, "to each his own." But why the hell do I need to be fair? This is absolutely asinine. There are so many problems in this world we could put our time, energy, and money into solving. I for one am embarrassed and ashamed that this type of thing is what happens in America when people have too much time to focus on themselves, and more money than they know what to do with.

When you look at this site and see the stories of the thousands of dollars put towards the inflation of a small number of body parts (bodies that are just going to age around the saline) that could have gone towards teaching children to read, protecting the women and children of Darfur, or cancer research....it just makes me sad.

But then, who am I kidding. That money wouldn't have gone to a charity. If it started in the pocket of some twisted individual with a God-complex, he probably would have spent it on a gas-guzzling SUV or porn, or some other self-indulgent toy. So, maybe this is the best thing he's done with his money in a long time. Hopefully, the ladies benefiting from this "charity" will put the donations to good use, make some of their own money with their new found assets, and think about giving their hard earned dollars to someone in need - except maybe they could give towards another young woman's education. So she can learn to take pride in and earn a living from her mind as opposed to her boobies. Ladies, it would be much appreciated.

Childless Spinster

2007-10-01T22:25:00.000-04:00

In a recent issue of Ladies Home Journal (really) I came across the following:

Are Kids the Key to Happiness?

Women who've never had children are just as content at midlife as mothers of the same age and in the same circumstances, according to a study from the University of Florida. Whether a woman gives birth seems less crucial to her well being than such factors as education, work, and earnings, as well as relationships with family and friends. When children make their appearance is key, though. The study found that women who gave birth before the age of 19 were the least happy.
*****

Ok, now. For my entire life people have been ramming down my throat (more after I hit 27) that, "OMG, you need to have babies. You're eggs are drying up and dying! Don't you want to have this amazing experience?"

Apparently not.

I have great relationships with my family and (awesome) friends (more awesome than yours). I have a Master's degree. I have an amazing career. I take multiple vacations a year, etc.

I'm just wondering why the "make babies while you still can" party line gets so much publicity all over town, when apparently, I am already as happy as I am gonna get. And this news gets 2.5 x 4 inches on page 20 in Ladies Home Journal. Good thing I caught it.

I'm not saying kids aren't great, and bully to those who have them. There's something about the trauma of caring for a child that really bonds you to that creature. As a former nanny, I can attest. And love for a child is like no other.

But I really take issue with people like Gwyneth Paltrow who say asinine things like, "My life truly began after I had kids." No it didn't. You were a stellar actress with an amazing career and great reviews. Have a little pride.

I know being a mom is hard, and I know it's very fulfilling and yay for you, but do we seriously have to degrade the things we did before we had kids as unimportant because being a parent is sooooooo much more important than everything else we've ever done? Because everything in life that one accomplishes is seemingly less credible and deserving of praise than raising a child?

Someone raised you to be something great. And you are. Take a little pride in THAT. Have a little self-love. It will be the most helpful thing you could do for your kids and their self-esteem.

Now, to end my rant, please enjoy a video performance from one of my favorite childless women, Dusty Springfield. You can't tell me she doesn't look happy in this clip!

Boobs are unfair and Netflix SUX!

2007-09-11T22:32:00.000-04:00

Thanks to my good buddy, el Single Gal, for sharing with me a bit of wisdom from MSNBC. Boobs jiggle a distance of up to eight inches during exercise and traditional sport bras don't help. Also noteworthy, boobs don't just move up and down, but also side to side and in and out. That last part makes me feel a little sick.

The first thing I thought when I heard this was, "This warrants a flippin newsflash? I could have told you this when I was 15."

My second thought was, "Who is the perv who designed this study? I bet he was all, 'Lets attached this device to your boobie and then make you run around! Fun!'" Then I read further to see that this study was conducted by a woman. Joanna Scurr, a biomechanics professor at the University of Portsmouth in England, to be exact. So at least I know it was a sister, with my best (or should I say breast) interests at heart.

What I found most interesting was that Ms. Scurr says a dual cup bra is more effective for stopping breast movement than a traditional sports bra which simply compresses the breasts. I did not know that!

Now Scurr-y is working with clothing manufacturers to develop the bra of the future. As an absolute hater of sports that require equipment I have to pay for, and someone with large breasts which often get in the way of my desire to jog or jump up and down, this at once excites and annoys me. However, I look forward to what science produces. Because what I paid $35 for at Modell Sports just ain't cuttin it.

Finally, I don't know if you, like me, fell for the new Netflix commercial that tells you you can instantly download movies onto your PC and rants about "5 movies for $5!"

I thought (mistakenly) that this meant I could go online and pony up $5, and download 5 movies. I figured they'd be streaming and I wouldn't be able to keep the files but whatever, that's fine. But no, that's not even close. You have to sign up for one of their plans and then you have a limited number of hours allotted to you to watch online movies, and there are a limited number of movies available online.

Dude...that's not what I want. I hate Netflix. They're evil because the service they provide is so good, but honestly, so unnecessary.

One of the best songs ever. (I'm gonna kill you)

2007-09-09T22:27:00.000-04:00

Super Sensitive to Rejection? So is everyone else...

2007-09-06T20:53:00.000-04:00

Today I read Psychology Today for this first time. Particularly this article.

The premise of the article is that we are genetically programmed to hate rejection because back in the old days, people relied on a very close knit group of others for survival. So if your group started to hate you, you'd die pretty quickly. So when you got rejected, your brain would make you feel physical pain, which would kick in your "love me now" obsessive craziness, and you'd win their hearts back.

Today, when we meet new people all the time and are constantly being thrown into new situations, our little psyches just can't handle all the change. Or all the inevitable rejection. And so we freak out about being rejected by everyone...which is pointless (because we're not going to DIE if some dude doesn't call us back) and unhealthy.

Stats like, "Major depression, a condition tightly linked to rejection sensitivity, has been on the rise among all age groups except the elderly for well over a decade," simply made me sad. Does that mean I am a statistic? Majorly depressed?

Anyways, what the article said was all kinds of things feed into our rejection-sensitivity beyond our hard wiring. Like parents who over-praise, parents who rejected their children's need for attention, and basically parents. And some other stuff too. Like trauma.

And so, we're all really depressed, and really sensitive, and then someone calls us at 6:30 instead of 6:00 and we think the world is coming to an end and they don't love us any more. Literally, says the article.

This kind of freaked me out, because I feel like I've spent 10 years of my life whining about rejection with my girlfriends. If I had read this article when I was in college, think of all that whining time I could have spent learning to ski or something. I'm only now coming to a place in my life where I can see rejection for what it really is; someone else's problem, not mine. And apparently, I'm not the only one who felt like I was living in my own personal hell when the cute boy I dated in Winter of 1999 told me he didn't think our relationship was going anywhere (and thank goddess, because he was a total loser, living in his parent's basement, working a crap job and wearing ugly shoes).

The scariest part of the article by far was the part where they said people's rejection sensitivity could lead to bringing about the thing they most fear: rejection. Apparently the craziness induced by rejection sensitivity is more crazy than your average Dick or Jane can handle. And imagine if two rejection sensitive people get together. They'd be joined at the hip and pissed off every time one of the pair had to go to the bathroom. Though better being pissed off than being pissed on, my Dad always says.

Anyways, I hope you find this article as empowering as I did. Enjoy!

The kind of love I want? Cake love.

2007-09-02T00:11:00.000-04:00

I've gotten this question alot lately: "What kind of relationship are you looking for?" And I have an answer. And then I remembered this song, by Cake. I am changing my answer to this:

I don't want to wonder
If this is a blunder
I don't want to worry whether we're going to stay together 'til we die.
I don't want to jump in unless this music's thumping
All the dishes rattle in the cupboards when the elephants arrive.

I want to love you madly
I want to love you now
I want to love you madly
I want to love you, love you, love you madly.

I don't want to fake it
I just want to make it.
The ornaments look pretty but they're pulling down the branches of the tree.
I don't want to think about it
I don't want to talk about it
When I kiss your lips I want to sink down to the bottom of the sea.

I don't want to hold back
I don't want to slip down
I don't want to think back to the one thing that I know I should have done.
I don't want to doubt you,
know everything about you.
I don't want to sit across the table from you wishing I could run.

I want to love you madly
I want to love you now
I want to love you madly
I want to love you, love you, love you madly.

Right now

2007-09-01T10:14:00.000-04:00

I am thinking about balance. Moderation. Choices. Compromise. Regrets. And...pepperoni.

I've spent too many hours working this week, and it's left me kind of hung over. Or maybe that's from the beer. In any case. It's a long weekend, so I get to make up for it by taking a break from my computer, hanging around outside, eating, drinking, running around and having fun.

Is there a perfect balance? Or do balance and compromise have to go hand in hand. So that "perfect balance" is just a euphemism for "accept 1/2 of what you really want" and we say it's perfect to kid ourselves into thinking its what we really wanted in the first place. I am not sure why I am thinking about this so much right now.

I've come to all these junctures in my life where I feel like I see the light, and the light sometimes conveys something pretty depressing. To the effect that: it never stops, you're never done, you just have to find a place where you can sort of be relaxed, and enjoy the ride amidst the chaos. If you learn to love the chaos, all the better...but your "perfect balance" generally means you learn to savor those moments in between the craziness. Because there will always be craziness.

My married mom friend said to me the other day, "Being a mom has its good moments. But it also has its bad months."

I think you could say that about alot of things. I also think she's a comedic genius.

Vision Quest

2007-08-23T23:10:00.000-04:00

SO I just started this web course for non-profit professionals about finding yourself and visioning your future and reaching new heights and stuff like that.

And one of our assignments is to try to create a vision for our future. The way we do this? By imagining our funeral.

I guess this is normal.

I'm supposed to think about what 4 people (a family member, a co-worker, a friend and a member of my community) would say about me.

So this is how I think it would go.

First my sister would get up and say something like, "I always thought my sister was a real putz, but she cracked me up, and she was nice to have around." Because my sister is not a really mushy person.

Then my boss would get up and say, "Jessica worked alot. I wish she was still around, because I have something I'd really like for her to do."

Then my scary, damaged friend would get up and say, "She liked to make up really funny song parodies. The time she sang "Wishin' and Hopin'" I almost peed myself. The lyrics were something like, 'hug him, and kiss him, and squeeze, and don't ask any questions, and when you do, you will be his. In a very emotionally unfulfilling way......"

Then the woman who lives downstairs from me would say, "She was a nice girl. Sometimes she left her porch light on for three days at a time, and she came home too late, but she always brought the trash barrels in."

Ok, so I know I am supposed to envision what I REALLY WANT people to say about me, but thinking about it like this...well, it just puts things in perspective. Mostly in the perspective that I need to spice up my life a little bit before I die, or no one will have anything interesting to say about me at my funeral.

Also, I Simpsonized myself. Here you go.

The 3 things men do...

2007-08-18T22:04:00.000-04:00

So...there's a bit of a problem. The scary, damaged friend is dating a man who she met on match.com. So she comes home from a date and because I am assuming just wants to look at his sweet mug she gets online (I don't question the motives of my friends) and lo and behold, the man is on match.com!!!!

Now, is this a supreme insult to the lovely date these two have just shared, or is it more like; this dude is a pig, and he's already looking for his next share of slop (eww, that sounded gross, but seriously, isn't that what pigs go after?).

So, I postulated that men really only do three things: eat, jack off, and look at screens of different types (you know, computers, TVs, etc). So this poor guy was probably just bored and confused and didn't know what else to do.

To which my friend replied, Shouldn't men learn to multi-task? Then they could just set aside an hour, turn on the computer, go make a sandwich, grab a bottle of lotion, sit down and then:
check out a hot girl
take a bite of the turkey and the lettuce and the mayo and the mustard
crank it
crank it
crank it
and the turkey
next hot girl
crank it
turkey mayo
crank it crank it crank it
next hot girl
crank it
turkey
turkey
crank it

and on and on.

*sigh* I know there are sweet men out there. Why does one baddie always have to make us question the whole lot?

Women who snap

2007-08-15T00:06:00.000-04:00

There's certainly a fascination with women who "snap." There's that show on Oxygen, and last month an O magazine article focusing on the diapered woman of the NASA love triangle.

And reading it got me to thinking - is this something that any woman, under enough stress, is capable of becoming? Or is it more like the Harry Potter theory? "We all have light and dark in us. It's the part we chose to act upon that makes us who we are."

There was an interesting assumption in the Oprah article. That being, women who snap tend to be overachievers - successful career women. Those women who approach snapping, and then don't (although I can only imagine they keep the stats to prove this along with the Dead Sea Scrolls and the Holy Grail) are usually mothers who reflect on how their kids need them. And that tends to get them out of the moment where they would kill someone or drive 900 miles in a diaper.

Being a single career gal myself, this kind of frightened me. I mean, I do have an obligation to water my plants and babysit my nephew, but is that supposed to be enough to keep me from snapping if I catch my BF cheating on me?

Then, in the midst of having these thoughts, I got really, really mad at Oprah magazine because this article, in it's blindered, small-view, tiny window on the world approach to feminism, has made me (smart, successful, funny, happy, awesome ME) question my ability to hold onto my sanity SIMPLY BECAUSE I AM NOT MARRIED WITH KIDS.

Dude, what is this? A century ago it was you can either be smart of have kids: the brain or womb conundrum. Now it's what...have kids or go insane? Of course, this assumes that every woman is going to get cheated on. Which won't happen. But still. I am mad.

Can there be any end to the vast and varied ways women, mothers, non-mothers and feminists are derailed in the public-eye? To have babies makes you a non-player in the working world - but to not have them might make you crazy, or less smart, or whatever.

All these (really terrible) options only seem to serve one purpose. To make all of us women feel even further out of control in terms of our lives, our bodies, our children, our careers, our families, our minds...all that. Leave my uterus out of it!

Non-verbal FU: a definition

2007-08-12T13:01:00.000-04:00

This was originally written on June 25, 2006 on my crappy MySpace blog:

Do you know what needs to stop? The non-verbal FU. (i.e. I want to break up with you, but I don't want to tell you, so I just stop calling you). Boys, this is not an effective way to make dating easier for yourselves. You are just creating damaged, scary women. Or you are making women who are already damaged and scary MORE damaged and scary. This is not fair to us, or any boys who might try to date us in the future.

Had a conversation with a damaged, scary pal of mine this evening in which she said, "You know, all the terrible relationships we've been in have taught us the lessons we need to learn so that when we find our best relationship, we'll be prepared. But the lessons we've learned have left us so damaged, we're too fucked up to have normal, loving relationships."

I buy this wholeheartedly. It is a serious effort for me to look past bad relationship experiences every time I meet a new boy, and not transfer all my negative emotions about dudes who have messed with my mind onto ones I barely know. You know, benefit of the doubt and all that shizzy.

Because I don't want to be that bitter girl.

But then, every relationship I embark on, no matter how casual, ends with some of these shennanigans. Whether they be someone who seems normal turning CRAZY or giving me the non-verbal FU, or cheating on me, or just treating me like crap.

So how CAN I ever allow myself to drift into a "normal, heatlhy" relationship, or even the semblance of one, when I can't relax - when I can't trust, because I am seriously just waiting for that other shoe to drop. The oh,-you-are-an-asshole-after-all shoe. Because at this point I do believe that all men have this shoe somewhere in their wardrobe. It's just a question of when they choose to wear it.

Lord, I am than bitter girl. Guess I might as well embrace it.

Cruel and Unusual?

2007-08-12T12:51:00.000-04:00

Here's a funny story: a man walks up to a prostitute, asks her for a date, finds out she's an undercover cop, and a few weeks later finds himself, per court order, dressed up like a chicken on the local news. Soon the story spreads nationwide and he's on Good Morning America, among others. Now look at this and realize it is not just a funny story.

Is this really legal? To punish people by making them do very strange, embarrassing, public punishments? Granted, being a former college residence hall director, I am of the school of "punishment should be educational, not punitive" and I've never liked the idea of prison. So, maybe it is a good idea, but is it cruel and unusual?

Then the idea struck me, wouldn't it be awesome if when men committed petty crimes against women we could institute some kind of system of public humiliation to which they had to submit? I'd be fair enough to say women would have to do this kind of thing, too.

Here's a few ideas:
1) When proven guilty of committing the non-verbal FU, a person must have 500 business cards printed reading: "I will probably stop calling you in a months time. I don't respect other people's feelings." and he must give one to the next 500 people s/he meets upon introducing him/herself.

2) When found guilty of insulting your partner's appearance, you must walk the streets wearing a t-shirt with a picture of either a) Jessica Alba or b) Johnny Depp reading, "I am not good looking enough to judge other people by their looks. I will never date this person."

3) Cheaters should be forced to eat blenderized fast-food meals mixed with slugs and beetles while being videtaped. In between each swallow they should say: "I am a dirty cheater." The resulting film should be posted on YouTube.

Other ideas? Drop 'em in the comments.

Desecrating the Bill and Ted's franchise

2007-08-10T16:23:00.000-04:00

Here is some horribly disarming news. Last month, MGM announced that the third film in the Bill & Ted's franchise would begin production, but that Keanu would not be returning as his agent felt the move might kill his career.

Umm....what? This is horrible, horrible advice Keanu, and I hope you can hear me. While everyone loved Speed and the Matrix, you are where you are, and you have the reputation you have BECAUSE of Bill & Ted. Everyone loves Bill & Ted. Even my 9 year old nephew loves Bill & Ted. This is your bread and butter my friend. So: Eat. It. Up.

I am, at this point, ready to make the argument that no one will go see the movie without the original stars, but I am wondering if this movie will mirror the fate of Dumb & Dumberer (flop) or Starsky and Hutch (mild to moderate success). In any event, I will not see it. Not unless Keanu is there.

Boyfriends - now with 0g of Trans Fat!

2007-08-08T12:27:00.000-04:00

If boyfriends were french fries and french fries were boyfriends, I'd be skinny and happy. Why? Because then my boyfriends would be long, lean, hot and silent. And my french fries would be inedible (and truly, I wouldn't want one anyway). This occured to me last night while I was eating a french fry at a pub with 3 of my fun friends.

Nerd Fighters

2007-08-07T15:55:00.001-04:00

This guy is awesome. To see more check out this dude's website or the vlogbrothers channel on YouTube. Nerds are the best thing in the world. Ever.

Tummy rumble

2007-08-07T09:19:00.000-04:00

Even though I did nothing out of the ordinary yesterday I wake up to a near inability to move - I am so tired! Coffee is not helping. In fact, it's just making me feel like I need to puke.

Does this happen to you regularly? I am wondering if it's nerves or fretting or general weirdness that cause my body to get distracted from what it needs to do. Whatever it is, it's annoying.

Here's something I've been thinking about, because my Dad set me on thinking about it. About a boy I had met and liked he asked, snidely as only Dad can get away with, "SO how did he get to be 30, fabulous, and single?" Meaning, clearly, "there's something wrong with him. You just don't know it yet."

So you ask, "Why are the good ones all taken?" To this I reply, "Just because they're taken, doesn't mean they're good. " Not that some of the taken ones aren't good. I am sure they are. But I am sure most of them are huge imbeciles, too. I just don't know it, because I'm not married to them.

Closure

2007-08-06T19:17:00.000-04:00

I have heard too many people whining about closure in my life. Even me maybe, at one point. And the question I want to ask is, "Who cares about closure really, and is closure ACTUALLY what we're looking for?"

I don't think it is. I think looking for closure is simply an admittance that what has in fact happened is not what we wanted to happen at all, and now we want someone to answer for it, and perhaps make it appear as if it didn't actually happen. Or we are waiting for some magician to unmake it happen. Or we just want to wake up from a dream like Dorothy and realize we've learned an important lesson, but all the people we love are still actually with us, among the living.

The sad truth is, closure of any kind, in any situation, cannot come from without. It can only come from your own, very personal realization that you are OK with what has happened, you are strong enough to deal with it, and that you don't need anyone else's presence/approval/collusion to go on with your life.

I know it might sound insensitive, but you don't need to have the "last word" to deal with a break-up, you don't need revenge to deal with a slight, and you certianly don't need retalliation to deal with a wrongful death. Those types of things will only further a misunderstanding which will lead to more unnecessary hurts. Don't you remember the reason why Romeo and Juliet died? A feud between the Capulets and the Montagues. One that was so old no one really knew what the heck it was about.

So my message today, to myself and anyone else who might care: the only closure you need is the closure you give yourself when you say, "It is OK to close this chapter on my life and move on. It is okay for other people to remain hurt and angry if that's what they need, and it is okay for my plans to change. There is more happiness for me, and if I can't move past this experience, I will never get there."

I know the person I want most to read this probably never will, so I'll just send it as a wish to him.

Numbah One

2007-08-06T19:03:00.000-04:00

I have been blogging on MySpace since January of 2006. I decided that MySpace was a rotten forum and decided to move here. I will start blogging afresh and posting some of my MySpace greatest hits on here as the mood strikes.

My favorite topics:
1) Stuff I did recently
2) Dating and relationships
3) Making fun of stuff
4) Pointing out cool things

I can also talk about:
1) Office politics
2) How working in non-profit means you will never make a profit
3) Living very close to where your parents live.
4) Travel

If you haven't noticed, I like lists. Let me present you with a brief history of me. I am a woman. I grew up in Massachusetts, went to school in W. Ma, and got a grad degree in NYC. I love media, and now fundraise for a non-profit. One of the cool things about this is I work at home about 75% of the time.

I've been working with youth is some capacity or other since 2001. Ways include: teaching video production, nannying, volunteer reading, managing a freshman residence hall, helping to run a youth center.

I am totally single, never been married, no kids, no baby Daddy drama, and I have a wonderful sense of humor about the fact that although I am awesome, I never seem to be able to keep a boyfriend for very long.

I have a nephew who is the center of my universe, and I would do anything for him. He's 9.

I love to write, but I have found that I enjoy writing short commentaries more than long term projects, so I might never be a novelist. My sense of grammar is mostly improvisational, but I do like to spell.

I am a reading fiend, and I really like Oprah and her show and her magazine, and any other type of media she produces.

I like to work out, but no team sports, and nothing too typical. Yoga, belly dancing, and a little kick boxing are my faves.

I get sick all the time, so I frequent the doctor's office. I cook real good. I can talk for hours.

I like commentary, so don't be afraid to tell me when I am being a loser.